I read an article today called “6 Steps to Stop Overthinking Your Life” and I read about “ruminating”:
Persistently dwelling on distressing situations from the recent or distant past (called rumination, as in that thing a cow does when it constantly rechews food) can be one of the most destructive mental habits. It’s closely linked to depression, and it can sap our confidence, our ability to solve problems, and our sense of control over our lives.
Ruminators repetitively go over events, asking big questions: “Why did that happen? What does it mean?”
I thought, “holy shit, this is me.”
I’ll say this up front: I have anxiety. I didn’t experience it until Summer 2010. No idea where it came from. I’ve had on and off depression since middle school. Mostly on. Maybe my anxiety branches from that, who knows? I’m a hypochondriac. Google is the my worst enemy. I google everything from medical conditions and symptoms, to relationship problems. I saw a therapist the same summer my anxiety started happening, and she diagnosed me with Dysthymia:
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Too little or too much sleep
- Low energy or fatigue
- Low self-esteem
- Poor appetite or overeating
- Poor concentration
Ok cool. No big deal right? What happens when it slowly takes over everything you once thought as normal, and shakes it up into one ball of WHATTHEFUCK? I think panic attacks are different for everyone, some people sweat, others hearts just pound really fast. Mine creep up on me. It feels like butterflies, when you’re excited about something. But they don’t go away, and when I notice them, I ask myself why I’m feeling this way. Then my stomach starts to churn and I feel sick, but I never throw up. I get chills all over my body, my breathing gets uneven, my throat feels like it’s closing up. I feel a sense of impending doom, so bad that I feel like I’m literally about to die. My head does this weird thing, where my vision will blur, and I’ll feel little electric shocks, but so quick it’s only for a blink of an eye.
I’ve gotten much better with handling them. I refuse to become agoraphobic because I’m scared to have a panic attack if I go anywhere. Even still, I can’t go to the movies without getting one. I can’t hang out with my friends at Cogans without getting one and wanting to go home. Whenever I take Connor with me to the mall I’ll have one because I know if he misbehaves it won’t be an easy escape. Almost every day at work I have one because I’m tucked in the back of the building with no windows or sunlight for 8 hours a day. It’s hard to eat, I used to weigh about 125, I’m down to almost 110. I get stomach aches; I’m stocked up on pepto bismol tablets and other antacids. I’ve had my “heart broken”, and because of this “ruminating” thing, it’s hard to get over. I think about it every day, and why it happened, and I question if my anxiety is to blame. Who wants to be around a sad, complaining worry wart all the time? I wouldn’t.
I’m convinced if I work hard to make certain aspects of my life better, my anxiety will go away. I’ll probably google ways to do that too.
